An obituary for Iran

Always wanted to visit Iran. Yes, it's one of those countries than no civilised person should contemplate being anywhere near. That's part of the attraction for me. And "civilised" is a relative thing - we're talking of the world's first empire, the very first superpower, the first to articulate something like "human rights" (look up the Cyrus Cylinder).

Except that the world's latest superpower, and its lackeys, don't really see that side of things. They see what they want to see - the stern, bearded visage of Ayatollah Khomeini stamped over everything. Mad mullahs. And if nothing is done, mad mullahs with nukes. The horror!

So do they have nukes? No. Are they trying to build nukes? No one knows, is the right answer. The Iranians say no, thy only want "peaceful" nuclear power. "Yes" chorus the Yanks, they are making nukes, and once they have them, it'll be all over for the world. Or at least Israel. And that's the crux of the matter. America's 51st state can't stand to be deprived of their "only-nuclear-power-in-the-middle-east" status, because to be actually, credibly threatened with destruction might mean that they would have to start treating the Palestinians like humans. Can't be allowed, and those Palis are a "made-up people", anyway, if you listen to people like Newt Gingrich. Never trust people named after slimy amphibians.

Anyway, I digress. The point is, America's raring for a war with Iran - this showdown's been a long time coming, ever since 1971, when the ayatollah's took over, imprisoned some meddling US diplomats for over a year, and put US flags on places where people would have to trample them(Have to admit, the Iranian PR agency isn't great). The covert bit's already started - witness the killing of a young nuclear scientist last week, in a way that could only be described as an act of terror. So has the drumming - sanctions, accusations, the rallying of support. And significantly, the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq, having completed a farce of a handover to the government of what is now a joke of a country. The nukes will be used as an excuse - just like Saddam's non-existent WMDs - to attack and destroy Iran. As will "human rights", while the Americans' Saudi friends violate them in far worse ways.

And destroyed Iran will be. Just like it's neighbours to the east (Afghanistan) and west (Iraq). The covered bazaars of Tehran, the bridges and blue-domed mosques of Shiraz and Isfahan, the earth castles of Qom. A nation that produces film-makers like Kiarostami, a nation that has 99% literacy, where female enrolment in higher education is proportionately greater than most western nations. A proud nation.

That last is probably what rankles the neocons the most. Iran refuses to roll over or jump through hoops at the command of those who would be masters of the Universe. It defies the US, and does it openly. And not just with regards to political manoeuvering, but they manage to thumb their noses at the "American Way Of Life", unlike the rest of the world, which is embracing it with open legs. That's another reason I'd like to vist Iran - just once, I'd like to see a place where McDonald's is not an indicator of development, where cities and neighbourhoods aren't dominated by garish advertising, where consumption is what keeps you alive, not what you stay alive for. And it still manages to have a standard of lving that compares favourably with most developed countries. Yes, their cars are all blocky Lada knock-offs, but they get you where you want to go - isn't that their purpose? How do fancier cars a better nation make?

I won't bother explaining about the oil - it's obvious. Oil greases the machinery of consumption. Iran has a lot of it. 'nuff said.

So that's it. Iran as we know it will be destroyed soon, unless some people see sense or chicken out. I'm not betting on either happening. I'd like to visit it now, before the brown stuff hits the fan, but there's many more places I'd like to visit, and I'm not sure what an Iranian visa in my passport would single me out for. Waterboarding? No? At the very least, being asked to step out of line at passport check and blacklisted on US-based airlines, I'm sure.

So here's hoping everything sorts itself out, and I get to visit when I'm older and not much wiser, and if not, here's a quote from my favourite Iranian of all time, Omar Khayyam, that those in power now might want to keep in mind - "How Sultan after Sultan with his Pomp / Abode his Hour or two, and went his way"

May The Farce Be With You!

This is just too good. South Asia in general is a farcical place, but the goings-on in Pakistan should be a high art form. It takes talent, and Pakistan has some extremely talented performers. I'm referring, in particular, to Interior Minister Rehman Malik. And this is what I'm referring to:
http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2011/05/star-wars-terrorists-storm-pakistani-naval-base/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+WiredDangerRoom+(Blog+-+Danger+Room)

Seriously? People dressed as Star Wars characters? These are the TALIBAN, for crying out loud! But hey, let's go along with it; after all, who knows where fantasy ends and reality begins? Was OBL really inspired by Emperor Palpatine? And is Mullah Omar really Darth Vader? That would make Obama...Han Solo, I guess. Don't be surprised if the First Lady takes to wearing her hair in two weird buns. Let's not even go near the metal bikinis...

Come to think of it, didn't the first instalment of Star Wars release around the time of the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan? We all know who the "Empire" was then...and OBL was trained by the CIA to fight them, before he went over to the Dark Side...

I am having such a field day - imagine Imperial storm-troopers marching into a Pakistani naval base...the Paks wouldn't stand a chance!

There's something wrong with the whole picture, though. In the movies, the evil Empire was gigantic, powerful beyond imagination, with world-destroying weapons and sophisticated technology. And had a Senate. While the good guys were a rag-tag bunch of rebels with an ideology hiding in remote places, emerging occasionally to strike at the empire.

Anybody see my problem?

Black Hawk Down 2 - The Hunt for Bin Laden

When do you think the movie'll be released? Some time next year, maybe. Right now, I'll bet there's turmoil in Hollywood, with producers busy looking for scripts, getting casting couches ready, and dealing with the delicate question of who is to play OBL.

Seriously, the whole thing has something of a movie about it. I can almost picture the marines on the raid blaring out the "Apocalypse Now" soundtrack on their way in. But when you look at the facts, or what are being passed out as facts, and the reactions to them, you don't know whether to laugh or cry. Let's have a look at all the players and scenarios, starting with taking the story as we hear it on TV as the gospel truth:

The United States: Had no clue for a decade as to the whereabouts of its Most Wanted man, in spite of possessing the most advanced war and espionage technology in the world. Hell, they've got satellites that can apparently photograph a postage stamp on a pavement. I'm willing to bet they could've taken pictures of every square inch of Pakistan and Afghanistan many times over. Google's done it. Maybe Osama just didn't happen to look up?

Pakistan: Apparently had no clue either. Despite the fact that the man had been living for years in a large compound a stone's throw from their elite military academy. I mean, if someone builds a home eight times larger than the average near a sensitive area, would you not check it out, even discreetly?

If these scenarios are the honest truth, like they're being made out to be, there are some extremely stupid people out there with their fingers on nuclear buttons. Nice.

However, maybe people aren't that stupid. Here's what I think:

Pakistan: Knew all along where OBL was. In fact, they probably built his damn "mansion". So why didn't they let on? Because he was worth more to them alive than dead. As long as he was still alive, the "War on Terror" would continue, and the generals would continue to line their pockets with money and all kinds of war toys. Maybe they've got enough money and toys now, and decided OBL wasn't worth putting up any more. Or maybe they could see the US "endgame" in Afghanistan approaching, and decided to let on his location, for one last, big payout before the Yanks left. So their military radars conveniently failed to work, and nobody went to investigate four helicopters hovering near their military academy, even though one crashed and the rest of the town heard and saw the huge explosions and gunfire (one guy even tweeted the whole thing live).

The United States: Knew where he was, but didn't want to kill him just yet - not before they had a) brought "democracy" to Afghanistan and b) finished testing all of their new weapons systems. But Afghans haven't yet taken to wearing T-shirts and drinking Bud Lite, and the weapons industry bosses need some time out to spend all the money they've made, so it's time to get out of A'stan. But, you know, them Talibs...they've kind of got the upper hand...and we don't want another Vietnam-type thing...so we gotta be able to say "mission accomplished"...bye bye OBL.

Or maybe, as a friend put it, five years of living indoors with three wives...OBL probably called the Marines himself.